Cigarettes Dont Just Lead to Cancer

For those of you that have read my profile you know that I am 30 years old. (by years since birth not in terms of maturity) If you are not that age let me explain what that means, you will be going to A LOT of weddings.

I was in the pacific northwest for my old roommates wedding and experienced one of the best weekends of all time. Heres how it went down (kind of a long one but I think worth it for the payoff):

Since I was in the wedding party I needed to be up there a couple of days earlier than the rest of the other guests so I book a Thurs morning flight up there. One of my best friends hates work more than I do so he jumps on the chance to start the vacation early and books his flight for the same day as me. From the very beginning I knew there was something different about this trip.

No, your eyes are NOT deceving you. The guy in the window seat actually broke out a Playboy! I honestly wanted to shake his hand I just didn't know where it had been.

I get into town a bit ahead of my friend and take the train downtown to my hotel which was the absolute tits, great job by my friend who booked it.
Blah, Blah, Blah, rehearsal dinner, mingling with friends and family till around 8. Now this is where the night could have gone one of two ways. Most of the wedding party is staying at my friends parents house in the middle of the forest miles away from downtown and my friend who came up early and I look to be stranded there as well. We both know that is a horrible mistake as we have a great hotel in the heart of downtown and need to be drinking at a bar not sitting around a fire rehashing old stories. (which I love to do just not on vacation) Right as we begin to resign ourselves to our boring fate like an angel of mercy one of the other groomsmen decides to leave with his wife and they happen to live close to downtown, we seize the opportunity and hop in the back seat.
Our hotel happened to have a pretty fantastic roof top bar so we hit the room for a quick shower and change of clothes and headed up there where we proceeded to start banging back Hendricks martinis. If you like gin give it a shot, I’m usually a whiskey guy but for a change of pace these can’t be beat. After about 4 each were both looking a bit glazed over and realize that the bar is closing. For some reason the place closes at midnight Mon-Thurs but in this case its a welcome relief as a change of scenery is just what we both need.
The bartender tells us about another bar right around the corner that’s cool and we take his word and head in that direction. We both need a change from gin so I audible back to whiskey and bee line to the bathroom while my friend orders the drinks.
When I reach the bathroom I hear a light groan while I’m at the urinal which causes me to turnaround where much like a scene from the Wizard of Oz I see two feet poking out from underneath the stall. I’m drunk and find the scene wildly amusing so I go into the next stall over to look at whats going on where this greets me.

My favorite part is his drink next to him. Definitely gonna need that when you wake up my man.

Drunk myself and laughing hysterically I meet my friend at the bar where he has clearly been hit over the head repeatedly by the drunk monster. His eyes are open but he’s clearly incoherent so I tell him he should probably head back to the hotel and crash and that Id be fine on my own. He looks at me with equal parts relief and gratitude and he stumbles on his way back to our room,  ahhhhh going dolo once again. Alone with my whiskey and his I sit back debating my next move.

Excuse me bartender, I'll have a whiskey and a whiskey.

After sitting down for a bit I get the sudden urge like so many others when highly intoxicated that I really want a cigarette. Across the street is a convenience store so with new life I walk across the street and pick up a pack of grits. Now while sitting by myself I had noticed two girls at the bar, a strawberry blonde with nice fake tits and an athletic looking brunette and as I come back across the street the blonde is outside smoking. Through years of study I have found out that girls who smoke are much more likely to fuck me after just meeting me so I seize the opportunity to talk to her by asking for a light. We make small talk over the smoke and go our separate ways inside, I could tell she was interested so I didn’t really pursue her and just went back to my table. After some repeated looks and smiles from her and her friend she walks over and asks me to join them which I accept.
Honestly at this point I’m on absolute auto pilot and have pretty much no recollection of what I’m saying but I know its working. Before I know whats going on its 2am and time to leave.  As we walk outside the brunette says I should come with them to her parents condo for a nightcap. The girls live about 45 minutes away but her family owns a high-rise condo downtown that’s empty where they are staying for the night.
As we make the walk to the condo I am in the middle of the two girls and grab both of their hands, hand in hand we all walk until we get to the condo. We go upstairs and the brunette opens a bottle of wine and we make our way to the patio where the blonde sits on my lap. While so close to the finish line this is where things get bad for me as every martini and whiskey hits me head on and I’m greeted with a rather large case of the spins. I tell the girls I need to leave and they insist on calling me a cab which I refuse knowing we are so close to my hotel so the girls ask to at least walk me out.
After we get to the lobby of the condo I realize this is where champions are made and I need to get my shit together because one of these girls is for sure getting fucked tonight soI say to hell with it, let’s go back upstairs. As we’re standing in the kitchen talking we all get exceedingly closer to each other and you can cut the sexual tension with a knife at this point then out of nowhere BANG we all start going at it and making out like crazy.
We make our way back to the bedroom and clothes come flying off in a blur and in a moment of clarity I realize what is about to happen, Im about to smash both of these girls. Some nights the alcohol can kill your sex drive and other nights it can fuel you for the sex olympics this night was definitely the latter. For the next couple of hours I proceeded to bang these girls like the future of the free world depended on it unleashing pretty much my entire repertoire.
By the time we finish up it’s around 6am and I leave the girls in a naked heap on the bed and throw my clothes on. In a drunken, disheveled, champion like glow I stagger into the streets with no idea on how to get back to my hotel. Sparking one last victory cigarette for my walk to bed I randomly pass strangers at bus stops waiting to go to work having no idea of the night I just had. I make it to my hotel room and pass out instantly.
Now at some point me and the blonde must have exchanged #s because when I wake up around 10am I’ve got this voicemail on my phone. (my favorite part is my friend laughing in the background at the end as we listen to it. Oh that and the fact that she’s married! Theres a few dead air spots so you couldn’t hear the names. Sorry I’m not as brave as Roosh or VK.) So the next time someone tells you cigarettes lead to cancer tell them to shut the fuck up and that they also lead to threesomes.
Songs about 5 years old but I’m sure alot of you have never heard it. It reminds me of summertime sex and in the dead of winter who doesnt want to think about drinking mojitos all day then banging some hot chick listening to this song? Roosh is  big fan of brazilian girls not sure if he likes “Brazilian Girls” Sorry its a shitty live version but the official ones wont play on the blog. Take your ass to Youtube and listen to the official version here. Its fucking awesome and if you dont like it may whatever supreme being you believe in have mercy on your soul.
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16 responses to “Cigarettes Dont Just Lead to Cancer

  1. it’s stories like this that make me want to start smoking. cool song, too

    • Man, its really gotten me laid so many times. I dont smoke all that much but Id definitely say its helped me way more times than its hurt me. “Can I get a light?” is pretty much a fool proof opener

  2. HAHAHAHAHA! Awesome! It’s amazing when drunkeness leads to threesomes!

    I guess cigarettes can be good for something!

  3. Your game is so deeply ingrained that you can be blackout drunk and pull off a threesome with a married chick. Legend.

    I can’t believe leaving even crossed your mind. Willingness to walk away. Most def.

  4. Hahaha I’m not a smoker, but I can see the potential of getting a bang by just asking for fire to a hot chick who’s smoking. I’ve smoked quite several times in my life, so I guess I could borrow a cig from a friend if I see a hot chick who’s smoking all by herself 😉

    Loved the post jack, the pictures were hilarious too 😀

  5. Peter-If I ever write a book Im using what you wrote in the review section. It wasnt so much a willingness to walk away as much as it was necessary to walk away. Those spins were coming on pretty hard but I fought them off. Ive been lucky enough to have a couple of other 3somes so I figured walking away was better than throwing up on some chicks back while she was going down on her friend, or maybe not, that would have made for a better story.

    Fret-Dont underestimate a chick that smokes willingness to sleep with you on the quick. If shes willing to risk the long term health effects of smoking shell probably give your dick a shot, so light up my friend.

  6. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: Come for the Cheesecake, Stay for the Prime Steak Edition

  7. Even if you are concerned about the health effects, you can always buy the herbal cigs that they use on Mad Men.

    If she smokes, she pokes.

    The G Manifesto demands that you smoke constantly.

  8. Insanely fun, especially the call. Girl sounded partly retarded waiting for a queue of dik.

  9. Congrats on the threesome, but I’ll have to say that fucking married women(especially in a non-missionary, roll over and go to sleep context) is far easier than fucking single women. Single women, remember, have “standards”. Married women, doubly so for long-term marriages, have no “standards” that can’t be erased by the idea of having a good time.

  10. Oh, yeah, you might want to change your phone number, she sounds like a “snitch” and you don’t want to be “that guy” in the court room giving testimony (personal experience.)

  11. Awesome fucking story.

    Per usual, threesomes usually end up being one of those “right place right time” deals. Mine was too. I’m currently working to orchestrate one with my FB because she’s hinted she’s not only into girls but bringing another one (i.e. hot neighbor) into the bedroom. You’ll find out if/when it happens.

    P.S. Get back on the blogging bandwagon.

  12. flyfreshandyoung

    Great story man.

    I can’t believe I haven’t came across your blog before. Better late than never.

  13. Just when I was remembering the times I used to smoke and it being a blast, until I almost felt like choking to death one night when inside another fresh nubile thingy, and quit.

    Have been telling my friends that the only thing about smoking that I miss is that it gets you laid.

    And now I read “herbal cigarettes”… Oh yea!

  14. Finally remembered to go find this story. Great work, hilarious that she’s married too. That’s gonna last

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