I was originally going to tackle this in the comment section of the original post but it ended up being too weird of a night not to get its own post. Woke up Saturday morning at the crack of noon and decided to head to the gym to get a few miles in (I figured it best to offset the massive amounts of calories I would be drinking later and no one likes a Fatty McButterPants). Wrapped up my workout, showered, and headed to a sports bar to watch some college football games. I really felt like going back to sleep for a bit but one of my good friends from undergrad was in town so I had to make an appearance. Roll into the bar and its dollar beers, that should have been my first clue as to what the night was going to have in store. Its 2 pm and I’m drinking beers like its last call and I’ve got an ugly girlfriend to go home to, now I am by no means old but I’m certainly not as young as I once was and 12 hour marathon drinking sessions aren’t gonna end well for anyone. (Thankfully my friends gf who was there had some adderall which she was kind enough to hook me up with)
My friend who’s in town is a straight degen so I know its gonna be aggressive since he’s somewhat repressed now that he lives on the east coast with his lady and doesn’t get to cut loose as much as he once did. He’s ordering shots and beers, all while skillfully working the phone with his bookie betting on more things than I thought humanly possible. After 5 hours of non stop drinking and shit talking football came to its merciful end, I exchanged hugs (whatever, he’s my boy and I see him once a year, don’t you judge me) and made my way to my car.
Now I’ve got two hours to kill before I meet up for the birthday festivities so I swing by my friend’s house who lives on the way to recharge the batteries before going out, no such luck. For some reason all he’s got at his house is white wine, which he’s plowing through. Rather than let him look like a homo drinking his pino by himself I quickly saddle up. We catch up for a bit while playing Halo and drinking white wine, we were like a some hybrid of middle-aged divorced soccer mom and frat boy.
While we’re talking my phone goes off and I get a few texts from my ex gf seeing what I’m doing tonight. It’s a mutual friends birthday tonight but I’ve been told in advance she declined to go which I’m stoked about since she’s been trying to get back together ever since we broke up. It’s now 9 so its time for me to meet everyone so I hop in the car and give her a call back feeling great because I know she’s not coming out and now she can’t yell at me for not calling her back. After exchanging some casual ex conversation she asks what I’m doing and now after I tell her all of a sudden says shell see me soon since she’s going too. Of fucking course she is! Why I called her that early I have no idea!? The dollar beers mixed with white wine clearly had nothing to do with it.
At the first spot it’s just my boy and some chick he’s been trying to holler at for a while, he’s had this chick on the back burner for a bit because she’s got a man plus the girl hes dating is SUPER hot. At the end of the bar I see a girl with fantastic tits and a pretty face (yes, I noticed her tits first) with a lumberjack of a friend but she’s eyeing me right when I get in (tits not lumberjack well lumberjack was too but she should be so lucky) so I figure why not warm up for the night on her as we exchange a few looks and smiles. As I’m about to make my way over in walks the ex and my hopes and dreams of finding out what this girl screams like quickly go down the drain. Finishing up our beers it’s now time to head out to meet everyone, as I walk out she smiles and waves and my sad penis and I muster a head nod back. In the words of Young MC “and there’s one more girl I wont be getting”
There ends up being a pretty large group of us so I get a table for 16 and we make our way to sit down, of course ex gf and ex-wife (my friend/acquaintances from part 1 not mine) jockey for position to sit by me and sure enough they end up on either side. (The captain has turned on the “fasten seatbelts” sign as we are now expecting some turbulence. ) At the entire table the only person who knows about both girls is my friend whose birthday it is so he’s got the sloppiest grin as he watches this all unfold before his eyes. Now I read a lot of other people’s blogs and forums and I hear guys who have never been laid or even kissed a girl for that matter and I know that they would cut off a finger to trade places with me but at this point fuck them, I’m miserable. Each girl has her hand on my leg unbeknownst to the other and whenever I talk to one the others hands move higher up my leg, its like some weird 3some is about to happen and I’m the only one who knows it. I sit there in awkardville population: me. for the next 3 hours and proceed to just get WASTED until thankfully my ex gf decides to call it a night. At first relief washes over me but now I realize its about to get interesting as the only thing stopping me (well other than my loose morals) from hooking up with ex-wife is now leaving.
The group has now thinned down to 6 people consisting of ex-wife and ex wifes two friends, myself, birthday boy, and one of our boys and we head to another bar.
The booze is still flowing fast and furious and ex-wife is feeling REAL comfortable and is rubbing my legs and kissing my ear like we’ve been dating for months. Knowing I’ve got to re group if I want any hope of not hooking up with her I excuse myself from the table. Most guys would honestly slap their moms to hook up with this girl so I can’t believe I’m hanging on this long. Quickly I jump up and make a loop around the bar to survey the lay of the land and the next thing you know I feel a hand on my chest, ex wife? Nope. Ex gf? Wrong again. Random chick from the gym who I had the dirtiest (in a good way) sex of my life with? Yep! This damn night cant get any weirder for me other than my mom walking into the bar on a date with my boss (which thankfully didn’t happen). I talk to gym girl for a while and end up making out with her on the patio, all while feeling my phone going nuts in my back pocket like a vibrator. I start to think of salvation, I’ll leave with gym girl have another round of freaky circus sex hitting her with the Cirque Du Soleil, the M-16, the JR. Ewing, and closing with the A-Town down. Visions of drunk sex with her vanish almost as quickly as Becky McGreatTits at the first bar when she says she has to take her friends home…now.
I return to my table and say I ran into a friend and was catching up (I mean that’s kind of true right?). We bang out a few more shots and you can see that everyone is fading fast and closing time is rapidly approaching so we settle up and make our way to the exit. As we start to leave ex-wife hangs back with me a bit and grabs me and shoves her tongue down my throat annnnnndddd it was fucking awesome. Shes a great kisser and I am such a sucker for a good make out session I can’t stop. I pull myself away not wanting the rest of our group to see while she keeps trying to pull my face back towards hers. Managing to get to the parking lot with only minimal damage to my morals I score it as a small victory. Ex wife rode with her friend and birthday boy needs a ride home so I quickly say I’ll take him in a last-ditch effort to stop myself from slipping into the abyss of utter scum bagness. I drop him off and make my way home until I realize that ex-wife now lives about 3 blocks from my place and she’s sent me 8 texts telling me to come over.
This is the part of the story where I want to say how good I am, that I am a man of the utmost moral fiber, that my lighthouse of righteousness never goes dark and that I went home but it’s not.
This is the part of the story where I tell you I went to her house and she opened the door and we start going at it immediately, this is the part of the story where I tell you I couldn’t get her clothes off fast enough and underneath those clothes was arguably the most perfect body and perfect set of fake tits I’ve ever seen, this is the part of the story where I tell you I carried her upstairs while inside her and proceeded to have some of the best drunk sex I’ve ever had in my life, this is the part of the story where I’m a dirtbag.